Restless Mind

There is a restlessness in me. It varies from a low-grade nagging sense that I need to do something, to a full-on agitation that feels like something is wrong. At times, restlessness prompts action. For instance, restlessness has been the impetus for accomplishing goals. Twenty-two years ago, restlessness told me I was ready to leave Houston and experience new cities. Sixteen years ago, restlessness signaled that it was time to change careers, which resulted in my going to graduate school, starting on the path to be a counselor. Restlessness can keep me striving, motivated, optimistic about enacting new possibilities in my life.

There are times, too, when restlessness inhibits action. This morning, for instance, I was restless. The intensity was moderate. Restlessness felt like a jumble of nervous energy that whirled and throbbed. It captivated my mind’s attention. When I considered meditating, I felt daunted. Restlessness was an obstacle to sitting and paying attention to breathing. This can be a common barrier to meditation. Many have reported physical and mental restlessness as a reason for avoiding their practice.

Instead of meditating, I am writing this blog post. Restlessness felt like too much to have, too intense, too difficult to put aside. I ask myself, then, “what is really happening here?”

There is the event: I am choosing between meditating and not meditating. There is my thinking about the event. “I feel wound up.” “My mind is too busy.” “It will be too hard to sit with this.” “I am breaking my promise to myself to meditate every day.” “If I do not meditate today, then I risk abandoning the practice altogether.” “Why can I not just suck it up and get over myself?” And down I go into the vortex of thinking.

There is the language I use. “I am restless.” Is this true? Am I really the state of restlessness, or are my mind and body having restless thoughts and restless sensations? “There is a restlessness in me.” While this is an intriguing metaphor–that restlessness is a discrete entity that resides somewhere in me–it results in my identifying with the thoughts and physical sensations. Again, I have become restlessness. How can restlessness sit still and just be? Just breathe?

There are the physical sensations. My head feels tight. My heart races a little. Indecision about meditating breeds frustration and discouragement, which feel simultaneously active and sedentary, making more confusion.

I find in this moment that I desire to introduce solutions, to offer readers hope for working with restlessness. This is what I would do in session with a client. We would explore the client’s relationship with restlessness, in the same way I have described my own process here. We would identify a valued direction that the client would like to take instead. We would set an appropriate goal, or I would introduce a metaphor to illustrate how buying into restlessness is unhelpful.

I also desire to keep moving, to react to restlessness by looking at my To-Do list and tackling tasks. This agitation is compelling. I admit I am struggling with it, and right now I feel like it is winning. Restless mind. Restless body. Where do I go from here? I pose this question to you, my readers: What do you do when restlessness shows up?

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